How we use time
Intentional living; choose wisely who and what fills your hours.
Read time: 7 mins
My awareness of the passing of time changed after leaving home, living each year abroad as if it were my last. Fatherhood has further transformed my perspective.
In my 20s, time felt limitless. Now, in my 30s, with a family and a reminder of life's fragility from the lockdown, I better understand how finite time is.
This isn't about fear; it's about inspiration and being intentional about how and with whom I spend my moments.
Who we spend our time with
A reader of this newsletter shared a report from Our World in Data showing how our relationships evolve.
Today, we're breaking down the data from this report.
There's one metric I can't get out of my head.
I think about it every morning. It'll probably go up on the home office wall soon.
Family
After spending your entire early existence mostly with family, when we reach our 20s and start developing as adults, it’s only normal to want to explore what’s out there.
I only realise now that we often fail to recognise that the time you have remaining with family is limited as you get caught up in your own life. Maybe I shouldn't have spent all those hours improving my master league team in Pro Evo 6.
Taking action:
To stay connected, I've started video calling my family more frequently, even at the most random times of the day, even if it's just for a minute to ask "Hey, what have you eaten today?". We've also gone on a few holidays together recently. Strangely, being intentional about our time together has helped me feel closer to them despite the geographical distance.
My brother taking a break in the shade on Camí de Ronda last summer
Also, rather than filling group chats with constant noise but never really feeling in the loop about each other's lives, we started a family newsletter with cousins.
Using Letterloop, we exchange meaningful (and silly) questions and updates, receiving personalised compilations of our stories, photos, and challenges. While it's not the same as living five minutes apart, it helps maintain our bond over distance and time. Here's an extract from a recent one.
Friends
Friendships reach their peak interaction around age 18 and gradually decrease after that.
In youth, we often spend considerable time with peers, narrowing down to a few close friends as adult responsibilities increase and unique personal interests develop.
Taking action:
Identifying 2-3 friends who are pillars in tough times and who make at least the same effort as I do to strengthen these bonds has helped.
It is a lot easier in today's connected world. A simple DM with a relevant link can spark conversations.
I’ve also set a weekly catch-up call with a close friend; we schedule it post-work but before family time. This structured yet flexible arrangement keeps the OG vibes strong. It first reminded me of commutes on the tube in London making small talk with Stu from accounts who I had nothing in common with. I have nothing against him, but 30 minutes on Google Meet with a friend gives me a much bigger and better energy boost.
Also, we have a week booked this summer with close friends. Us, our partners, our kids. So my curve at age 35 is going to have a little spike!
Partner
Choosing a life partner is crucial; as we age, they become our primary companion. The right partner not only celebrates our wins with us but also supports us through challenges. LeBron James captured it well: "When you know you're committed, everything else takes care of itself."
In my case, lockdown gave us a glimpse of our future, simply enjoying each other's company. Often hours passed without saying a word. It reaffirmed what we already knew; this has the legs to last.
Taking action:
We find activities to do together. Be it a course, a class, a sport, or a game (or, yes, after doom scrolling through apps, finding something to watch together - even if it's trash TV to talk about how trashy it is - we’re getting better at it! We recently watched The Bear and Beef).
It means spending time together beyond the mundane day-to-day responsibilities.
It means blocking out calendars.
This year we'll finally go to Girona temps de flors midweek. It says so in our calendar. So, no to everything else.
Most of all, it means saying “Sorry, I have plans” to other people, not your partner.
And those who don’t understand this are those I don’t make time for. Sorry, not sorry.
Children
In the intro, I said there's one I can't get out of my head. It's this one.
It's terrified me, but I'm doing my best to use it as a reminder to stay as present as possible.
Especially for these first 10 golden years.
No living to the deferred happiness plan.
Work will come and go but there is only a limited amount of time where he can and will want to sleep on my chest.
I include our son in everything possible, from coffee meetings to catch up on projects, to a recent speaking engagement - where he charmingly stole the spotlight with a little milk vomit on me in front of everyone (Photos below). This way these "magic years" will be full of shared moments.
Taking action:
We've cut down on screen time a lot, and instead doing baby yoga, for example, emphasising real connection.
We make very few plans that don't include him. We see it as time invested, not spent.
And again, those who don't understand this choice simply take a back seat.
My family's happiness is more important than my reputation.
Coworkers
We spend a significant portion of our lives with coworkers - often more than with friends or family.
They have to be pretty bloody good people then, right?
If given the choice, they must be people who add, not drain energy from our lives.
Taking action:
Ask yourself -
Do you enjoy being around them?
When you get home from work, do you have nice things to say about them or not?
Do they encourage you to push yourself or are they scared of you outgrowing them?
Are you happy spending a big portion of your life with them?
If your answers are positive, then now is a good time to tell them of your appreciation.
Alone
I've grown so accustomed to constant stimulation—like needing music for even a quick shop—that I've neglected the peace of things I'd invested a lot of time in like solo runs or trips.
It's become too easy to avoid solitude, forgetting its benefits for mental clarity.
The harsh truth is that being alone is unavoidable and time spent alone will only increase over the years. The better the ability to be alone, the better the mental peace and clarity.
Taking action:
While month-long train trips might be extreme, simpler acts like walking, running, gardening, or quiet physical tasks can promote positive solitude.
Relearning to enjoy these quiet moments, like those headphones free runs, is not just about being alone but being comfortable listening to the voice in my head.
This IG post puts it better than I can. When you run alone, you're never actually alone. It's you and the voice in your head. Being comfortable with it is bliss.
Conclusion:
Saying "I'm busy" has become a badge of honour, and a symbol of being wanted or needed, leading us to pack our calendars with endless activities. Just as Mo Gawdat points out here.
However, these graphs have helped to shift my perspective, reminding me to be more deliberate with my time. Social connections are complex enough to then be a people-pleaser, especially if it means not making the most of what we have now.
This isn't about fear, but about making thoughtful choices regarding how and with whom I spend my time, ensuring each moment counts.
I'd like to hear from you:
What are your reactions to these graphs? If you could free up an hour each day, how would you prefer to spend it?
Thank you for taking the time to read this.
If a section has particularly interested you, click the link of the corresponding section. It helps me prepare future newsletters.
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See you in two weeks.
Has
Note on data source: Esteban Ortiz-Ospina, Charlie Giattino and Max Roser (2020) - “Time Use” Published online at OurWorldInData.org. Retrieved from: 'https://ourworldindata.org/time-use' [Online Resource]
The data is sourced from a broad-based sample of the American Time Use Survey spanning 2009 to 2019, compiled by Our World in Data. While cultural variations might emerge in a global analysis, the insights are largely universal. It would also be interesting to examine data post-2020 to understand the impact of COVID-19 on our social interactions. This isn't the end of this topic from me.
