300 years of relationship wisdom

Tried-and-true relationship advice that embraces modern challenges like digital distractions

Read time: 5 mins

June 23rd marks our 3rd wedding anniversary.

From almost moving to Mexico when nobody knew about us, enduring lockdowns, buying our flat, and welcoming our son, every year—and the four years before—has been wildly different.

This quote by Stephen Covey describes how we can mistake the quantity of years for quality:

"Some people say they have 20 years experience, when in reality, they have 1 year's experience repeated 20 times."

It resonates with me because each year of our relationship has brought new challenges and joys, making for what feels like a fulfilling life together.

I've always joked with Eva about my new personal record for how long our relationship has lasted. I was the single friend, the third wheel (even taking "3rd wheel selfies"), and the forever taxi driver to my more romantically named friends (how do you compete with a middle name like Romeo!?).

Jokes aside, I had good examples around me. On top of family and friends, living abroad with three different families of various dynamics exposed me to diverse ways of maintaining relationships and households. I learned there's no "correct" way, but I could use others' experiences to shape my own approach.

Recently, my adopted town was in the news for being the most unfaithful city in the country.

I can't understand why local news would highlight such negativity when they only exist thanks to donations from companies based in the same town. To offer a positive counter, I asked my newsletter subscribers in Manresa to share the best relationship advice from their families and friends.

Participants ranged from couples together for a year to those celebrating 50 years.

In total, we captured 300+ years of relationship wisdom.

Here's what they, and a lot of you (!), had to share:

Time together

The respondents shared a wide range of relationship durations, from those just starting out to couples who have spent decades together.

Here’s a snapshot of their experiences:

1-5 Years Together: Early-stage couples emphasised the importance of communication and shared activities.
6-15 Years Together: Mid-stage couples focused on conflict resolution and maintaining individuality within the relationship.
16-25 Years Together: These respondents highlighted the need for ongoing mutual respect and the importance of intimacy.
26+ Years Together: Long-term couples shared wisdom on perseverance, adaptability, and growing together through life’s changes.

Timeless tips

Across all durations, a few key pieces stood out:

Communication: Open, honest, and frequent communication is essential. Couples emphasized discussing everything, from daily activities to deeper issues. Regular practice builds trust and confidence in opening up. Just remember, don’t use what they said against them later.
Mutual respect and understanding: Respect each other's individuality and opinions. Love them for who they are, not who you want them to be.
Quality Time: Intentionally spend quality time together. Shared hobbies, date nights, or even a simple walk in the park keep the connection strong.
Conflict Resolution: Find healthy ways to manage conflicts. Take a break before discussing disagreements, and seek compromise. Never keep score or involve non-professional third parties in disputes. Scoreboards are for sports games, and stubborn pride is harmful over time.
Acts of service: Do small acts of service for your partner daily without mentioning it. These build love and respect, which compound over time.
Maintain individual interests: Being together with someone shouldn't be the end of individuality. Keep up with your own passions and hobbies.

Digital devices

Both positive and negative, they've had a significant impact. Here's what the survey revealed:

Positive effects:

Staying connected: For couples in long-distance relationships or with busy schedules, digital devices help maintain communication. It allows them to share moments and stay involved despite the physical distance.
- Example: One couple mentioned that during a year-long job relocation, regular video calls kept their relationship strong and feel connected.
Shared experiences: Beyond watching films or series together, playing video games is growing in popularity and strengthens their bond. With more non-violent games and options for those not familiar with consoles, this could be something to try. Games mentioned: Little Big Planet, Oxenfree, Overcooked, Mario Kart.
- Example: Another couple shared that playing games together meant being present in the moment, unlike watching Netflix but then scrolling on their own phones halfway through.
Practical communication: Scheduling, reminders, and shared to-do lists help couples manage daily lives and provide peace of mind. Blocking out time in the calendar for each other means you prioritise your partner.
- In our case we use: Shared calendars - pediatric appointments, check ups, meetings, social plans. Everything in the calendar. No over booking, no doubts on if we need to be somewhere. Shared lists - from updating our son's last feed, to weekly meal plans and shopping lists Shared location - Some see it as control, but for us, it’s peace of mind. No constant checking. Before, Eva would know if I’d left work to put the kettle on for tea and biscuits. Now, it’s to see if she’s left her appointment so we can meet in town for ice cream. And though we’re not very social at night these days, it’s comforting knowing the other is getting home safe.

Negative effects:

Reduced face-to-face interaction: Excessive use of phones leads to time together but ignoring each other, causing feelings of neglect or disconnection.
- A respondent shared that their partner's constant phone use during dinner made them feel unimportant and ignored.
Misunderstandings: Text-based communications can sometimes lead to misinterpretations and unnecessary conflicts.
- One respondent mentioned how social media conversations that seemed out of place led to avoidable situations.
Sleep disruption: Using phones at night disrupts sleep patterns, affecting the quality of interactions the next day.
- One person shared how, despite their efforts to reduce screen time before bed, their partner's phone light still disrupts their sleep. While they understand their partner's need to unwind, it’s hard to protect their own sleep quality.
Escapism and avoidance: Hiding behind the screen can sometimes be used as a way to escape from relationship problems rather than addressing them directly.
- Example: One partner might immerse themselves in games or social media to avoid dealing with conflicts, leading to unresolved issues.

Keeping the romance alive

Here's how couples keep their spark alive:

Regular dates: Set aside specific times for dates, whether weekly or monthly. It could be morning coffee and croissants or an evening with a bottle of wine.
Small gestures: Little acts of love, like surprise notes or thoughtful gifts, make a big difference. Thoughtful doesn’t mean expensive.
Travel and adventure: Going on trips or trying new activities together keeps things exciting. When it’s new to both, it’s a level playing field with no one giving advice to the other.
Accept imperfection: It doesn’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. One respondent said it best: “There has never been a perfect relationship, but there have been many wonderful ones.”

What they wish they knew

Looking back, respondents shared what they wish they had known before starting their relationships.

Patience and growth: understanding that both partners will grow and change over time
Importance of self-love: accepting yourself for who you are before bringing another person into your life
Managing expectations: knowing that no relationship is perfect and it requires effort and understanding
Priorities: As you go through the years, your partner takes priority over your birth family. Important to remember when the two conflict.
If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be: It's better to be alone than in bad company. If things have to end, be brave and do so. Happiness is on the otherside.

Final thoughts

This was a lot of fun to put together. I feel lucky to have gotten a behind-the-scenes look at so many relationships, and to have done this with the readers of this very newsletter.

This time, I focused on readers in my local area. Here are a few photos of some of the couples (shared with their permission).